President-elect Donald Trump stood proudly while Chief Justice Earl Warren administered the oath of office. Warren had returned from the dead for Trump’s inauguration because it was such a big deal. Trump put his right hand on the Bible and asked Warren to open it to his favorite verse, “two Corinthians.”
In the background, Hillary Clinton sat quietly with her iPhone, deleting emails. An AK-47 protruded from the shroud that covered her pantsuit. She didn’t intend to shoot the president. She planned to go moose hunting with Sarah Palin when the ceremony was over. But then Trump saw her and screamed, “Get her out of here.” Clinton was wrestled to the floor, her weapon seized. Trump ordered her locked up and held until Bill Clinton apologized to Paula Jones.
Trump told the gathering he would deal with the wall along the Mexican border just as soon as he stacked the Supreme Court. He reached into his vest pocket and pulled out nominees. He began to read the names, including those of Newt Gingrich and Jerry Falwell Jr. The third name on the list was Tim LaHaye, the guy known for his apocalyptic fiction book, “Left Behind.” An aide whispered to Trump that LaHaye would be unable to serve because he was dead. So Trump quickly penciled in Pat Robertson.
“Is he still alive,” asked Trump?
“Just barely,” answered an aide.
His other appointee, Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, was unable to attend the inauguration because his house had been wiped out in the Louisiana flood. Perkins often said that God uses natural disasters to destroy the wicked. Sitting silently behind Trump, Chris Christie munched on a Twinkie he’d stuffed in his pocket.
When Trump turned his attention to the wall, confusion set in immediately. His wall adviser told Trump that he would have to adjust his plans because Mexicans no longer were trying to enter the country. They were fleeing south, joining hoards of Americans who had decided they too wanted to leave.
“What about Canada?” Trump asked.
“Well,” said one adviser, “Americans are trying to go there too.”
Some unable to afford such trips north or south, Trump was told, had gone to West Virginia instead. Trump seemed confused but didn’t want to show weakness by changing his mind.
“I’ll get started on the wall right away,” he said. “My people are on the scene as we speak.”
But another aide approached Trump and told him that many of his wall people weren’t answering the phone — apparently they’d kept going. They wanted to live in Guatemala. Besides, another aide noted, the Russians have hacked into your bank records and discovered that you’re broke. You have no money.
Trump leaned over to Palin and asked for advice.
“Energy,” Palin said. “Talk about energy.”
Trump seemed impaired by all the things he didn’t know, but he wanted something to say that actually would make sense. Suddenly he smiled and said, “I have ordered today that work at the White House on the Bill Clinton playroom be stopped immediately.”
It had been assumed that Hillary would win but because the Russians had become so adept at hacking, the vote tally revealed that all those people who told pollsters they hated Trump apparently decided to vote for him. Construction on the Bill Clinton playroom already had begun, but Trump was able to stop it with a presidential order.
Instead, the room would be stocked with Trump wines, hams, jams and jellies, and the public would be allowed to come in to shop. A vacant closet down the hall would be used for the Trump University library.
So, inauguration day hadn’t gone exactly as Trump expected. He had to modify his positions to make America great again. The flight of millions of Americans, mainly blacks, Muslims, other minorities as well as whites, had caused unintended consequences. Trump didn’t actually want them to leave, because he’d wanted to throw them out. But that opportunity was gone.
As Trump left the podium someone behind him commented that his hair seemed to be falling out, but Trump quickly denied it, claiming that was a rumor started by Megyn Kelly.
When the inauguration was over everyone headed for the White House where Malania had planned the biggest party ever held, or so it was said. S
Gene Cox is an author and inventor who recently retired from a 35-year career as a television anchor in Richmond. Connect with him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter at genecoxrva.