Sure you’re the same associate who dropped the ball on the Fisher account and yeah, Brenda has her suspicions that you’re the one who’s been crop dusting her cubicle every day at 2:30 for the last three years, and OK, you don’t exactly shine when it comes to interoffice relations — we won’t even mention that whole reply-all fiasco that’s still being arbitrated by the HR Department.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t turn it all around with a sterling performance at this year’s holiday office party.
Yes, it’s that time of year when the company brass throws a few crumbs toward the unwashed masses for surviving another year of the bone grinder.
“Please sir, I want some more.” — Oliver Twist, the original cube jockey.
Personally, I love drinking free bottom-tier hooch and seeing my normally mild-mannered co-workers do and say outlandish things.
So from the same guy who brought you such classic holiday office party advice as: “Drink up. The cornerstone of every great office-party performance is alcohol,” “Hook up with April from accounting,” and “Wear a festive sweater,” comes Punch Drunk’s 2015 Holiday Office Party Guide. Take my advice and you’ll be slowly draining the company coffers from the corner office in no time! (Editor disclaimer: Take Jack’s advice at your own risk.)
Human Resources: In years past I’ve suggested that strategically placing some mistletoe at belt-buckle level is a good way to initiate contact in that region. Unfortunately the wet-blanket Style lawyers have advised against me taking that course. So do not, I repeat, do not shove a piece of mistletoe in your belt and walk around sweaty and red-faced, slurring, asking your co-workers which one of them wants to kiss you under the mistletoe. Regrettable advice on my part.
Perfect Preparation: You’re an upstanding gentleman or gentlelady, meaning a plastic container of Ukrop’s Homemade Christmas Cookies will not suffice as your party contribution. What are you, 12? Bring something classy like a bottle of Reservoir Whiskey created right here in Richmond. If the party is at a bar, thus making an extra bottle of alcohol seem redundant, then bring some weed. You’ll be surprised to learn how many of your co-workers will appreciate that. (Editor note: To repeat, Jack’s advice is not the advice of Style Weekly.)
Perfect Preparation, Part II: Remember, most companies impose some sort of archaic two- or three-drink limit, when really two or three drinks should be the minimum. So be prepared. Hip flask, mini-bottles, a travel size bottle of Jim Beam in your glovebox. I’ve also found it helpful to strike up a rapport with the bartender early. Trust me, for an extra 20, he’ll suddenly lose count of how many you’re knockin’ back. Now this also has backfired for me before. Like last year. We won’t speak of last year or me being shirtless in the middle of the Tobacco Company. Let’s not even mention it.
Dress Code: Always wear a festive sweater. Hey you Men’s Wearhouse three-suits-for-the-price-of-one-wearing ass hat, it’s a freakin’ holiday party. Have some fun!
Conversation: You’re all wearing tacky Christmas sweaters and drinking hooch on the company dime, meaning no one gives a flying crap about work. There will be a few people who insist on talking about that pesky Johnson account or that “glitch” in operation systems or whatever the hell people talk about in real offices — and these people must be ignored! They are the same people who send work emails on weekends. They are awful fun killers. I’m looking right at you, Glenn.
Employee Relations: April from accounting is looking good this year, isn’t she? Look at her over there enjoying a few complimentary buffalo chicken sliders. Is that a red pantsuit? It’s quite fetching. It’d be a shame to let this moment pass you by again.
Now go forth, employee. You’ve earned this. Or maybe you haven’t. Maybe they just don’t have the heart to fire you before the holidays. Come to think of it, that’s probably the case. All the more reason to kick the tires and light the fires, am I right?! S
Jack Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. Connect with him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter at jackgoesforth.