Here in Europe, grocery shopping is a little different, and you might need a few tips to get your through your first trip.
Check your entitlement at the door: We won’t pack your bags for you and you’re going to have to pay cash money for new ones if you leave those reusable bags in your car again.
We like to sit when we ring up your items at the register because watching you drop a half-gallon of orange juice on top of the bread is exhausting, as well as amusing.
We have zero patience with cart stealing. That quarter you deposit to release the shopping cart from its chains is nothing compared to the euro, which comes in at $1.20 or so now, that we demand from customers at home. Plus, you get it back when you’re done. So, stop whining about it. We gave you two low-cost grocery chains to choose from — what more do you want?
Not everything is going to look like what you usually buy at the average American market. We’ve tried to get with your vibe, but occasionally things get lost in translation. For instance, we don’t understand why you think buying underwear at the grocery store is weird. Everyone needs underwear. And you never know when you might need a fire safe. Ditto for floor mats for your car. We only want you to be as prepared as we are in Europe.
Here are a few of our new and interesting products:
1. Fruit Rings: Children love colored circles for breakfast, and they will not be frightened of the frog on the front. ($1.05, Lidl)
2. Deutsche Küche Uncured Nuremburg Bratwurst: Sausage is the rock upon which our cuisine climbs. Try our other three very similar-looking styles, too. ($2.49 for 8, Aldi)
3. Raisels: We want your children to grow big and strong. Just kidding — we covered raisins in artificial fruit flavoring and sugar to make them taste like candy, although we don’t list those ingredients on the box. A zap of 5 1/2 teaspoons of sugar is what every kid needs — plus, they’re sourlicious, a word we made up just for you. ($1.99 for 6, Lidl)
4. Rogan Josh Cooking Sauce: Sure, it’s part of a traditional northern Indian dish, but you Americans — you can’t stop thinking about Josh Groban and Seth Rogan right now, can you? ($2.19, Lidl)
5. Cooked Ham from Denmark: This isn’t just any ham — it’s a tiny, tiny ham. Single Americans don’t have to feel left out of the pork extravaganzas that go on every night during other folks’ meals. Now, all you need to do is find a miniature pineapple, and you’ll be in business. ($2.99, Lidl)
6. Heatherwood Eton Mess: England isn’t just a place where they call soccer football, but it’s also the home of whipped cream and meringue desserts you’ve never heard of that you’ll want to defrost immediately. ($3.99, Lidl)
7. Friendly Farms Aussie Style Yogurt: They make yogurt in Australia! And it tastes like Greek-style yogurt. ($1.29, Aldi)
8. Kerrygold Skellig Sweet Cheddar: We know you’ve heard of the young adult book by British author David Almond, and even though you’re not sure how cheese might relate to the title character’s name, you’ve just bought something familiar — plus, it’s cheese. ($3.49, Aldi)
9. Pane Turano Italian Bread: This is a gigantic loaf of sliced bread — plus-sized for the occasion when the spaghetti sauce unexpectedly doubles in size. Or you have. ($3.69, Aldi)
10. Pumpkin Harvest Salsa: Clearly, Americans are crazy for the pumpkin spice, but it took the Germans to come up with the idea of putting pumpkins in salsa. Not for you? It also comes in apple spice. ($2.19, Aldi)
11. All Man Soap: Men have manly needs, and we want to meet those needs with a soap only a man can handle. ($2.29 for 2, Lidl)
12. Live G Free Gluten Free Ham and Cheese Stuffed Sandwiches: They may not look appealing on the package, but inside they look exactly the same. ($2.69, Aldi)
Now that you’re up to speed, have fun saving money!
Aldi and Lidl