Come Jan. 1, the things that we plan to change with our lives generally are the areas in which we’ve consistently failed. It’s almost always weight, health, spending and quality of life types of issues. And let’s face it, they all intertwine.
All people, even the seemingly successful ones, have areas they desperately want to change, but can’t. You aren’t alone.
So now the new year has arrived and you’re determined to make a go of it. This is the beginning of your new life. It’s now or never. We have a finite amount of time on this Earth and you’re determined to right this ship before it’s too late. The only way out of the storm is through it. This is where the rubber meets the road.
You see, along with most people, I can throw a million worthless platitudes out there and really make myself believe that change is a-coming. But it’s probably not. I’m too weak. Plus, I’m easily distracted. Oh look, “Chopped” is on!
But maybe you aren’t? Maybe you don’t automatically reach for the Tostitos. Maybe you don’t absolutely need to purchase a turntable (you’re considering becoming an EDM DJ). Maybe you’re doing just fine. Maybe?
With that I give you my annual New Year’s Resolution Quiz.
1. When setting goals, you:
a. Write them down in a place you’ll see every morning — like a white board you’ve set up just for this purpose in your kitchen.
b. Post them on Facebook in an attempt at social accountability (but mostly it’s a show of vanity).
c. Lose the cocktail napkin that they were scribbled on.
2. Your ability to abstain from unhealthy food and drink can best be described as:
a. Rock solid. You eat clean and train dirty. Your body is a like a fine Italian sports car.
b. So-so. You generally eat well but like everyone, you slip up from time to time. Your body is like a 2012 Nissan Altima. Runs well, efficient. No one’s complaining when they get inside of you.
c. Nonexistent. You have very little willpower. Your jaw line is Jabba the Hut-like. You’re like a Nissan Cube, in that you’re shaped like a big cube.
3. Which of the following best describes your spending habits?
a. Austere. Minimal. You’re a monk. The future and important purchases are what you’re eying.
b. Unexceptional. Controlled. You make a concerted effort to save money. You will splurge on luxuries, but not all of the time.
c. Spendthrift. Reckless abandon. To you, money is more an abstract concept. Every Monday, the pending charges on your debit card are enough to pay your rent. You just spent $14 on different Bic lighters at the 7-Eleven register and you don’t even smoke. Your overdraft fees alone pay for Wells Fargo’s annual employee retreat to Hilton Head.
4. How bad do you want to change?
a. Very badly. I can taste it. I will reach my goals.
b. Meh. I want the results very badly. I just don’t really want the hard work that comes with them.
c. Umm, the only thing I can taste is sour gummy worms. They taste good?
If you answered mostly A’s: Resolutions, Schmevolutions. You’re a rock. Your future is so bright, you wear sunglasses all the time. The only thing you need to resolve is whom of the many attractive members of the opposite sex you’ll be sleeping with tonight.
If you answered mostly B’s: It won’t be easy, but you can make the necessary changes. You can achieve your goals by taking baby steps and altering your daily habits. It’s a marathon and I have faith that you will finish this race a better person.
If you answered mostly C’s: Meeting your new year’s resolutions isn’t impossible. It really isn’t. But you probably won’t. I mean, seriously, you just ate some of the foil with your Chipotle burrito. The worst part is, you know you ate some of that foil, yet you kept on chewing. I mean, c’mon. Just spit it out. Actually, you know what, eat the foil. At this point, does it even matter? At the end of the day, the only person stopping you, is you — which is a problem, cause look at yourself.
Now go use this quiz as your motivation to kick 2016’s ass, or in all likelihood, vice versa. I’ll just be over here enjoying a trash bag full of sour gummy worms, watching “Chopped.”
Jack Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. Connect with him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter at jackgoesforth.