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Punch Drunk

Halloween Hooligans and Harlots



Halloween is upon us and as always, there's sure to be the usual murderer's row of creative-outfit skankiness — including but not limited to debauched nurse, sexy cat, indecent-cat nurse, trampy-nurse cat, easy veterinarian, slutty cat sitter, cat-enthusiast escort, escort for cat enthusiasts, cat madam, bunny hooker, real-life, full-on prostitute, etc.

It's the same thing every year. The concept of originality is lost on the kids these days.

I'm hearing some buzz that the big outfit this year will be the Lewd Ebola Patient. It's where you go as this new-school, working-girl Typhoid Mary dressed in very little and then drive all the men crazy — by liquefying their insides. It's a costume that says, "Hey, I'm deathly ill and willing to go all the way." Sure to be a hit with the early-20s crowd.

Some other options I've heard bandied about by young men and women include:

Indecent ISIS Warrior. Fairly self-explanatory. You fight for ISIS while being promiscuous with a high number of men or women, and possibly a goat. Although — and this is a gentle warning — portraying anything terrorist-related generally is a touchy situation, especially if you're portraying yourself as a terrorist hooker. Maybe keep this a backup plan.

"Randy" Roger Goodell. You're a sexy shill, clad in only a thin transparent, gauzelike dress that conceals little, who'll roll over on your back for the NFL's über-rich team owners.

The Onion's version of Joe Biden. "Diamond" Joe Biden. You drive a Trans Am and enjoy a few cold brews, some nice tunes and a tasty senorita by your side. You are what America is all about. "Damn right, boy. Now crank up the 'Sister Christian!'"

Perverted Pumpkin-Fest Rioter. You get drunk, strip naked and start destroying stuff for no apparent reason. New Hampshire accent optional.

Wanton Hillbilly Rioter. Same as above, but you wear your most torn-up beer T-shirt — you know, the one that lets you show off the flaming eagle, Kid Rock tattoo on your chest. Request that the DJ play that song from Deliverance. Set one of the bar's couches on fire.

Or perhaps you'd like to go more local? How about:

Degenerate Baby Cheetah. You're just like the Metro Richmond Zoo's popular, cute, little cuddly cheetahs, but you're more willing to give it up. You also have a popular webcam, but not for the right reasons.

The Sly Mayor. A Frank Underwood take on City Hall. You'll lay down for developers and look down on elected council members. You'll spend the night tossing out such quotes as: "A great man once said, everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power."

Depraved Dave Brat. Rectangular glasses, Ayn Rand book under one arm, eye on Congress and Randolph-Macon a distant memory. You're here for only one thing, and it's not to talk to media about anything their feeble minds could possibly understand.

Open-Carry (and Open Trench-Coat) Rights Activist. Yeah, you've got a gun and it's right down here, baby.

The Short Pump Strumpets. You and your group of slightly older yet still damn fine women friends are all in yoga pants, pushing strollers and carrying around bags from Trader Joe's. Oh yes.

Dirty Little Confidentiality Agreement. Oh, you're a naughty thing. City Council likes to sign you and then keep their mouths shut, don't they? Yeah, you've got a dirty little secret. What's inside of that agreement? I'd like to find out.

Todd "Parney" Parnell. You dress and act like the Richmond Flying Squirrels' Parney and trust me, the debauchery will just sort of come naturally to you.

You can also brainstorm the Jackson Ward Jezebel, Rowdy the Rammer, Parker the Rally Pervert, "Gigolo" Gene Cox and the Carytown Cocette (you hang out at Can Can Brasserie, chain-smoke long cigarettes and put down the martinis like a 1920s Montparnasse street walker, which is sort of what we're going for here).

There are so many smart and funny directions to go on Halloween. Don't limit yourself to the usual humdrum fare. I mean, if I see another prostitute-turned-lovable-housewife-forced-to-go-back-to-prostituting-again-because-the-trusting-husband-found-out-about-her-lacivious-past outfit again, I'm going to lose it.

Think outside of the box, young people!

Now have a safe and happy Halloween, you bunch of hooligans (and hookers).

Connect with Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback at bartender@styleweekly.com. Lauterback also is co-host of "Mornings with Melissa and Jack" on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.

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