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Punch Drunk

Jack's Protection Business



When Red Eye Cookie Co. launched its cookie delivery service out of Sally Bell's Kitchen earlier this year, the response was unanimous: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Cookies? Good.

Cookies delivered to my doorstep? Great.

Cookies delivered to my doorstep at 2 a.m. while I'm drunk and considering licking the floor in my pantry for a few leftover Girl Scout trefoil crumbs?

Yeah, these guys are onto something.

Let's face it, getting out of your skivvies and having to leave your house for anything other than a beach vacation is awful. Work, friends, eating out — who needs the aggravation?

The result is awesome and sometimes strange home-delivery services. The wildly popular Harry's and its competitor, Dollar Shave Club, have been delivering razors and men's grooming supplies to doorsteps for more than a year. Online markets such as Pink Dot can deliver beer, wine and liquor to your house (depending on whether your state has draconian ABC laws, cough, cough, Virginia, you suck, cough, cough), There's the jauntily named Hello Flo, a monthly tampon subscription and delivery service. Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, hot dogs, Omaha Steaks, a piping hot bowl of minestrone — all deliverables, and not just in major cities.

Ain't the lazy life grand?

But there was a glaring hole in the lazy life, a lack of coverage, you might say, in the home-delivery game.

Imagine it's 2 a.m. and you're getting intimate with a lover after completing your four-minute foreplay session — which is really just a bunch of bells and whistles with no substance and an R. Kelly CD — and you're reaching into the nightstand for a condom. Alas, there are none to be found. Or perhaps there is one, but it's left from the three-pack you bought a while back. Like, when was the last time Halley's Comet came through?

What is one to do?

Well, the days of rushing to 7-Eleven or a 24-hour drugstore to awkwardly ask the counter guy for condoms and then hurry home to a girl who's fallen asleep are over.

Just started in New York and San Francisco, L. Condoms now delivers condoms via one-hour bike messenger, 24 hours a day. It's a breakthrough business idea (although passing up the opportunity to name the company Peddlin' Prophylactics is insane).

Company founder, photojournalist Talia Frenkel, has spent her life photographing the effects of AIDS and HIV on women and girls, which has inspired her to give back. For every condom purchased, she donates a condom to a developing country. Countries where protection and prevention tactics are unheard of.

So in addition to remaining lazy and getting safely laid, you can take solace in the knowledge that you're helping others.

The real question is, what do you do for an hour while you're waiting on the bike condom delivery guy?

You ladies might be tempted to say "foreplay" or "set the mood," but that's a bit presumptuous, don't you think? We men may appear to be finely tuned endurance athletes when we're naked with you, but trust me — we aren't. Let's save all that arousal for when we can hastily put a condom on and commence with our patented lovemaking techniques, which we learned from watching scrambled, grainy porn on Cinemax when we were 13.

And besides, let's be productive! We could:

Watch the latest episode of "The Leftovers."

Get on Twitter to make snarky comments about how we're waiting for the bike condom delivery guy.

Do the same on Facebook.

Have six cocktails, which might then render us unable to have sex, making the whole experience moot. That'd be hilarious, though not at the time.

Do Style's crossword puzzle, which I've found to be perfect for killing time before sex.

Collect some leaves and make a tasteful door wreath for autumn.

Make a gimp suit out of trash bags and a ball gag out of the dog's collar and a racquetball. And then we could scare the living crap out of the bike condom delivery guy.

There are so many things that we could do together, baby!

[Wakes up 9 hours later.]

"Did you hear the doorbell last night? It sounded like someone was at the door at 3 a.m."

"Dammit, we fell asleep and missed the bike condom delivery guy."

Maybe I'll stick with getting cookies and tampons delivered for now.

Connect with Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback at bartender@styleweekly.com. Lauterback also is co-host of "Mornings with Melissa and Jack" on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.

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