The new year is upon us, and whether or not you subscribe to the resolution system, most of us have areas in our lives that could use improvement. While picking an arbitrary date to suddenly "make things better" seems unlikely to work, it can be the start of personal betterment. The question is, do you have the willpower to see it through? How steadfast are you in your convictions? Will this truly be the year you turn things around and make the effort to bring about real, lasting change? Or will 2013 bring nothing but more broken promises, trips to Taco Bell, illegitimate children, pink slips from more shitty jobs and an even heavier alcohol and substance abuse problem, culminating with a third or fourth drunken-driving charge? Find out by taking my handy quiz:
1. When waking up in the morning your first instinct is to:
a. Stand up and stretch while visualizing your to-do list. You're already making mental notes about how best to attack the day, you tiger. You flex your pecs while you stare at yourself in the mirror. Ryan Gosling who?
b. Hit the snooze button. Another 15 minutes and you'll be right as rain.
c. Immediately consider calling in sick to work. Instead decide to dick around on Twitter for 30 minutes.
d. You don't usually wake up in the "morning," per se. But if for some reason it's before noon, your first instinct is to cry while lighting a cigarette. It's a cruel, cruel world.
2. Current or former co-workers would best describe you as:
a. Reliable, efficient, Mussolini-like in your punctuality.
b. Not always on time but can be counted on to get the job done.
c. A little sloppy. "Scatterbrained" is uttered often.
d. Brain-dead but generally can be relied upon to operate the Fry-o-Lator station. Well, except for that one time, but Larry ended up making a lot of good, lifelong friends in that burn ward. Plus have you seen the wonders that doctors are able to perform with skin grafts these days?! Modern science is remarkable.
3. Which of the following statements best describes your drinking habits?
a. Maybe a glass of wine every now and again but otherwise, you try to abstain. Sobriety is a journey, not a destination. Keep the plug in the jug, brother.
b. Moderate. If it's Friday night, you may go to the bar for a few pops.
c. Heavy. But not counting the hangovers, your life is, for the most part, not adversely affected by the booze. A productive tippler, so to speak. "Churchillian," perhaps? Yes, we'll go with "Churchillian."
d. People are constantly asking you why you're shaking. There isn't a time when you're not hungover or drunk. You have an unendearing nickname such as "Trainwreck" Tommy or "Bar-Whore" Betty.
4. You would describe your physical fitness routine as:
a. Intense, disciplined, taut.
b. Routine, lunch-pail mentality: Get in, get out.
c. Occasional, unmotivated, uninspiring.
d. Nonexistent, sedentary, embarrassingly man-boob jiggly.
5. Your greatest life accomplishment thus far could best be described as:
a. Work-related — i.e., you got a raise or promotion at work.
b. Schooling-related — i.e., you graduated college.
c. Family-related — i.e., the birth of your child.
d. "Big Buck Hunter"-related — i.e., you're pretty decent at "Big Buck Hunter" after about five beers.
If you answered mostly A's: Congratulations, you're a great iron fist of resolve. Just a straight-shooter with upper-management written all over you. The few meager fine tunings you may decide to make in 2013 should be a snap.
If you answered mostly B's: Don't fret. Life hasn't been a cake walk for you but there's still time. Tweaking some habits and doing away with others eventually will bring about positive effects. Keep your head up and try to stay focused. Maybe consider a prescription to Adderall, because, why not? Isn't Adderall just the yummiest?
If you answered mostly C's: Well I'm not going to lie, you need to sit down and consider a major life overhaul. Your work ethic is poor but if you're willing to put in the time and have the discipline to stick to a routine, I think there's still hope. Enlist someone's help to "sponsor" you, to push you, to make you get your sloppy-ass self off the couch. Nothing worth having comes easily, remember that, fat boy.
If you answered mostly D's: You're a first rate scumbag. You lie, cheat, steal, probably have attempted to "roofie" someone. Your moral fortitude — much like your disgusting physique — is exhausted. It's been repeatedly shredded by the bad decisions you continue to make. Your moral fortitude resembles the inside of RG3's right knee. There's no hope for you. The only person who loves you is your mother, and even she's starting to have her doubts. A federal prison is the only institution that can help you now. Take solace that your horrible habits will vastly decrease your lifespan and mercifully take you from this unfair world long before everyone else.
Happy new year!
Have a question for Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Lauterback also serves as co-host of 103.7-FM's "River Mornings with Melissa and Jack," weekdays from 6-9 a.m. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.