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Punch Drunk

This Week: The Year in Drinking



Some of it's been a comedy, some a tragedy, and most of it's been one big satyr. In honor of the god Dionysus, or depending on where you hail from, Bacchus, here's my cast for “Another Jameson?” — the first play based on Richmond's 2010 drinking scene.

The Protagonists

ƒ?› The 2BNB Bus. Determined and clean-living. Enemy of taxis and police officer's DUI quotas. Played by three garishly painted buses.

ƒ?› Johnny Giavos. Our James Gandolfini type. Strikes fear in other restaurant owners with his ever-expanding empire. Revealed in Act II to have a heart of gold.

ƒ?› Tony Hawkins, Demetrios Tsiptsis, Dave Bess, William “Mac” MacCormack, Tony Deyerle, Michelle Williams, Travis Irby, Rick Lyons, Bob Cox, Randy O'Dell, Jake Crocker, Sean McClain and Rob Kaplan. All make cameos, as the play is set in bars that Richmond frequents and loves.

ƒ?› Four Loko. Our play is set in a society where a fascist government doesn't regulate what substances on which we can and cannot get hammercanned.

ƒ?› Former Alcoholic Beverage Control Board member and former city councilman William “Bosnia Bill” Pantele. In the beginning he represents all things loathsome and repugnant. In Act II he reinvents himself as a lovable, tobacco-chewin', whiskey-drinkin', funny-uncle type.

ƒ?› Wayne Latham. A Lynchburg concealed-weapons permit holder who shoots himself in the leg while drinking in a bar, ruining the arguments of every single pro-gun-in-bars supporter as to why guns and alcohol mix. This guy will be our comic relief.

The Antagonists

ƒ?› Virginia Alcoholic Beverage Control. Stifles progress with arcane laws and enforcement methods. Represented by a menacing gargoyle, seen perched on top of a building in Act I, and cracked and falling into pieces by Act III.

ƒ?› Gov. Bob McDonnell. The evil politico who fails woefully and wastes time and money in his attempt to privatize Virginia ABC.

ƒ?› City Councilman Charles Samuels. The fun killer. Enemy of dancing. Sometime in Act III the Virginia Commonwealth University step team “stomps the yard,” and in the mayhem they break his dorky glasses, sending him running home in tears.

ƒ?› President of the Shockoe Bottom Neighborhood Association, David Napier. With poor intentions he helps to publicize (exploit?) a Shockoe crime wave that only happens in his mind. Ends up in a mental ward sometime in Act II.

ƒ?› The gun nuts who somehow get the evil Gov. McDonnell to pass a law this year that allows concealed weapons in bars, because they're giant idiots. Played by an unruly mob with pitchforks and torches.

ƒ?› The smoking ban. Again, fighting the tyranny and oppression of fascism will be one of the play's overriding themes.

ƒ?› Foodies. Big pretentious wads of vascularized ass fat. I'm keeping them around because we need a stuffy, high-minded, self-important group of fucknuts to die violently when the Russians attack in Act IV.

Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback slings and consumes drinks at a number of local establishments. He blogs at jackgoesforth.blogspot.com. Follow him on Twitter @jackgoesforth. E-mail: bartender@styleweekly.com.

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