A) Doug Wilder died two years ago. Elaborate “Weekend at Bernie's”-like hijinx have kept us all fooled until his arm fell off in Edo's Squid the other night.
B) At a bar a few months ago I asked local developer, loan defaulter and recent jail celeb Justin French if he had any cocaine. He said no. I definitely should've asked again a few minutes later.
C) The former live-music venue Alley Katz in Shockoe Bottom has been sold to the local blog Cafe Darkness and is being renamed Feral Katz. When asked to comment on this recent development, a drunken Cafe Darkness chased me down the street while yelling nonsensical gibberish and throwing cats at me from her cat bag.
D) The former White Dog Restaurant (2329 W. Main St.) is reopening soon as Friend or Pho, under the guidance of local stud Rob Kaplan. Expect awesome Asian-inspired food and a huge selection of beer and liquor. Also expect to take many shots of Jameson upon arrival.
E) Attorney General Ken “The Cooch” Cuccinelli and City Councilman Charles Samuels were seen making out the other night at Lemaire. I mean, it could've been them. It's possible. Would you really be that surprised? These guys are definitely hiding something. ...
F) RVA Mag, in an effort to alienate and befuddle even more of the city and really only relate to the extremely abstract, artsy Virginia Commonwealth University dropout crowd, will release its next issue entirely on cassette tape and all 90 minutes will be nothing but S. Preston Duncan reading selected passages from David Foster Wallace's “Infinite Jest.” Hipsters all over the city nod approvingly.
G) Actor Judd Nelson showed up to the premiere of “Rock 'N' Roll Hotel” Monday night for Style Weekly's Byrd Theatre benefit. At first, local prom queen and volunteer organizer Robey Martin couldn't stand him, but eventually his thuggish exterior gave way to a sensitive and gentle soul. Then the misfit couple fell madly in love. The rest of us just stood around wondering why Robey was talking to that dirty homeless guy all night.
H) Contrary to popular belief, Richmond Times-Dispatch food critic Dana Craig is not morbidly obese. In fact, in much the same way she reviews nearly every local restaurant, I give her boobs four stars.
I) In other Times-Dispatch news, rumors swirl that the T-D fired popular columnist Melissa Ruggieri for being “too entertaining” and “relating to a crowd that doesn't fit our key early-bird, half-off buffet demographic.”
J) A new bar is opening on Grace Street near VCU and it's to be named Hard Drugs. In addition to being an excellent spot to score, it will also serve canned beer with shotgun holes already poked, and quad shots of vodka, which is a shot glass that holds four shots of vodka. The Slaughterama crowd and I are very, very excited.
K) The vodka limeades at Phil's Continental Lounge (5704 Grove Ave.) are really freakin' good. Like, orgasm good. They're like the ones that Bill's Barbecue serves, only more vodka-y.
L) Style Weekly allows bar columnist Jack Lauterback to phone in his pathetic columns only because he has threatened to release video of certain editors in very compromising positions. With farm animals.
A) False B) True C) She Wishes. D) True E) False F) False G) False H) True I) False J) False K) Very True L) REDACTED BY EDITORS AND SHEEP
Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback consumes and slings drinks at a number of local establishments. He also writes a surly blog at http://jackgoesforth.blogspot.com. Find him on Twitter @jackgoesforth. Have a question or comment for the bartender? E-mail: email@example.com.