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Punch Drunk: Jack's Sheet-Faced Halloween Costume Suggestions



Whether you’re young or old, dressing up for Halloween can and should be an exciting time. If you’re still untethered, it can be a time to meet other scantily clad young people with lowered inhibitions. If you’re tethered but childless, it’s a time to wear couples outfits and party with other couples also in couples’ outfits. (It’s a sad state of affairs being a couple.) And of course if you’re tethered with child, it can be the best time because you get to dress up with your kid and take pleasure in their joy.

What I’m saying is, don’t be one of those people who doesn’t dress up. Those people are the worst. They’re fun-killers. They’re the couple that doesn’t get invited to board-game night or fondue night or Scott’s Addition cidery tour night (seriously, coupling is horrible). Now what are we going to wear this year? What’s hot?

The Seattle Times says that “sexy costumes are out; Pokemon is in this Halloween.”

Hmm. That’s disappointing.

The Seattle Times did not mention whether sexy Pokemons will be acceptable, but I have my fingers crossed.

Pokemon also is huge in the Richmond area, according to Sarah Reems, manager at the pop-up Halloween Spirit store at Chesterfield Towne Center.

“I’ve sold out of a lot of Pokemon stuff,” she says. “We had a Poke-ball dress that went real fast. Halo is also very big.”

And perhaps people are searching for an antidote to creepy clowns.

“In terms of adults, there’s a lot of humor,” Reems says. “Everyone’s been getting the big dinosaur costume. ‘Finding Dory’ outfits have been big for adults as well. I’ve sold out of all my Nemo and Dory dresses.”

Because nothing is funnier than dressing like a big dinosaur or a children’s fictional fish.

When asked what she thinks a guy in his early 30s, like me, might wear, Weems immediately suggests I venture out as Donald Trump.

“Hillary and Trump are very popular outfits,” she says. “You would make a good Trump.”

Is she trying to tell me something?

My morning radio show co-host on 103.7 Play, noted Halloween fanatic Melissa Chase, adds that Harley Quinn of “Suicide Squad” is “gonna be No. 1 for sexy female costumes.”

Reems seconds that prediction: “Harley Quinn is huge. A lot of the younger ladies are going in that direction.”

But I thought we weren’t doing sexy this year?

“Sexy never goes out of style,” Chase adds.

Well thanks for nothing, Seattle Times! Now I’m gonna look like a big unsexy idiot in my dinosaur costume.

If for whatever reason you don’t want to dress like a sexy, bat-wielding supervillain, or a fish, or an orange monster who might be our next president, I have a few of my own “hot” Halloween outfit suggestions:

Richmond Mayoral Candidate Joe Morrissey — Buy some boxing gloves and find yourself a lovely young woman. Shock everyone by becoming the next mayor of Richmond.

Presidential Debate Question-Asker Ken Bone — Be a harmless red sweater-wearing cuddly type who turns out to have questionable opinions and a secretive online sex persona. Offer to take people to the bone zone all night long. Google “beautiful human submarines” if you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Melania Trump — Izz not difficulties to dress like glamour queen.

Killer Clown — I don’t see this outfit causing any problems whatsoever.

Spooky Ghost — Cut eye holes in a white sheet and wear it over your head. Again, what could go wrong?

The Children from “Stranger Things” — It’s an overrated Netflix show. Just tell people you’ve seen it and they’ll go away.

Ryan Lochte — Strong-jawed, slow-witted national hero embarrasses country before totally redeeming self on reality dancing competition.

*single tear rolls down cheek*

God bless America.

Just squeeze into a Speedo and say “brah” and “jeah” a lot.

Perverted Pikachu — You’re a Pokemon letting it all hang out, so to speak. This lets you combine sexy and Pokemon, which is really the best of both worlds.

Maybe don’t take the kids trick-or-treating in that one. S

Jack Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. Connect with him at letters@styleweekly.com, or on Twitter at @jackgoesforth.

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