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Punch Drunk: Jack's New Year's Resolutions (That Aren't Booze-Related)


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We all love to pinpoint the new year as the arbitrary date on which we’ll turn it all around. But if we really want to improve ourselves, we should start right then and there, regardless of the calendar.

We should put down the Doritos, put on our gym clothes, stop wasting money, get the hell off Twitter and, I don’t know, read a book that isn’t about young adult vampires. We should do this today, right now! Why do we wait for things to come to us?!

I’m guilty of putting off the things that I need to do, too — because it’s easier than actually doing them. The problem is, the longer we wait, the less likely the things will get done, because life will get in the way. Life’s a jerk.

But I want this year to do be different. I want you and me to make a plan and stick to it, and achieve great things that heretofore we never thought possible. To that end, I’ve made a list of slightly unorthodox resolutions for myself. They’re not for everyone, but maybe you’ll see something to take and make your own. Or maybe you’re just skimming this column while you eat a gigantic burrito for lunch. Mmm, gigantic burrito.

Here are Jack’s new year’s resolutions:

• Stop being a jackass. This should be easy, but a lot of us are so caught up in whatever we’re doing at the moment — some project, an errand — that we don’t even smile and say hello anymore. Why do we treat going out in public like it’s us versus them? Why are other drivers the enemy? We should be making eye contact with strangers, asking how people’s days are going. We’re a society of mostly rational, inherently kind human beings — at least until this arms race really starts heating up. Then none of this will matter.

• Read more books. I read a lot, but my list tends to skew nonfiction, history and biography. Sorry, but I just have no interest reading “A Man Called Ove” or “A Dog’s Purpose.” What I’m saying is, read only what you want and will continue to read. I could read a new World War II book every week, and sometimes do. It interests me. I know a person who pretty much only reads Harry Potter erotica, which I assure you, is a real thing. Look I’m not here to judge.

• Work out more often. Work out better. Gym-timidation happens. Scantily clad, good-looking people staring at themselves in the mirror. Old guys hanging brain all over the locker room. Machines that look like medieval torture racks. That loud group of bros that have been congregating around the squat rack for three hours now (why are they laughing so loud?). Your ex-girlfriend right over there. You know what? Never mind. Let’s just forget about the gym. Maybe eat less?

• Get the career you want. Finding that dream job, something that’s lucrative and fulfilling, isn’t something you can simply do tomorrow — I get that. But why do so many people seem to have their dream job? How the hell did they do it? It stands to reason that you can do it too. Believe in yourself. If you would have told me six years ago that my job would involve making jokes about genitalia and Kim Kardashian on the radio for a few hours every day, I’d have said yeah, that sounds about right.

• Be more charitable. Giving your time to a cause is just as important as giving money, although they’d prefer money. Actually, we have enough volunteers for now. Thanks for coming by though. We’ll contact you if we can use your help in the future. That happened to me once. I’m sitting here trying to craft a habitat for all of humanity and they won’t even let me. Probably for the best. I’m not very good with tools or building stuff. Here, take five bucks.

• Visit Mom more. Tell Dad you love him. Call a friend instead of simply commenting on his or her Facebook page. Help someone move instead of making up some excuse about a pulled hamstring. It is a little tender, though. Support your friends and their endeavors. That is, unless they find their dream jobs before you. Then cut them off. You never liked them anyways.

• Save money. Yeah. Umm. I’ll start this one later. Harry Potter erotica doesn’t buy itself. S

Jack Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. Connect with him at letters@styleweekly.com, or on Twitter at jackgoesforth.


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