Great news. Death is no longer an excuse to not update your Facebook status. Thanks to a website called Dead Social, you can post to Twitter and Facebook from the beyond!
Well, sort of. The macabre service allows you to create a series of goodbye messages on social media while you’re still among the living, which are posted after your timely (or untimely) demise at the dates and times of your choosing — as long as 999 years into the future.
Because presupposing that the Earth hasn’t flamed out yet and that my seed somehow swam the generational gauntlet, I want my great great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren to know that I love them. Tell the world of your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather’s brilliant wit and dashing looks. He was also a tiger in the sack. Tell your new robot overlords all of these things. After you do that, watch this video of cute baby bears frolicking in a swimming pool. Videos like this are how we entertained ourselves in 2015.
Apparently, a digital executor puts the campaign into action when the time is right. In other words — when you die.
The site has been getting up to speed for a few years. Its founder, Norris James, told the Atlantic magazine in 2012, “DeadSocial not only allows you to virtually carry on relationships you already had, but might even allow you to create new ones with unborn family members.”
And now it’s time for version two, which the company says will be released Oct. 31, warning, “We will only be allowing another 10,000 people to join our community on this date.”
The intent of the site is to post sincere, heartfelt messages to remind friends and loved ones that you will always care about them. To remind them that even in death, they are important. You could wish your children happy birthday for the rest of their lives or tell your wife happy anniversary every year. It’s a beautiful concept, really. It’s also meant to ensure that your digital legacy remains pure and unsullied, which is important because right now my digital legacy consists mostly of videos of drunk people doing the Whip and/or Nae Nae.
Despite the well-meaning intentions, I feel like the potential for shenanigans, and let’s say less-than-heartfelt messages, is high.
Norris is more optimistic. “I don’t think that somebody would continually be negative and troll from the afterlife,” he’s been quoted as saying. “Nobody really wants to be remembered as a horrible person.”
That’s where you’re wrong, James.
Because I will haunt the living hell out of my enemies with this service. If you wronged me in life, I will be watching you in death. And I’m one of those bad ghosts. The type of ghost that needs busting.
I’ll also tweet the widow Lauterback a couple of times a week, reminding her that she’s never allowed to remarry or sleep with another man. Then I’ll probably just say ridiculous stuff every once in a while.
“Heaven isn’t at all what I expected. I mean it’s nice, but not like, super nice. It’s sort of like a giant Hampton Inn.”
“Once you pass, you instantly revert to yourself at 21. Everything is the exact same except for your genitalia. I can’t even begin to explain what happens down there.”
“The Applebee’s in heaven has a different menu than the one in Midlothian, which is weird. I thought corporate mandated uniform menus.”
“I’m stuck in an everlasting limbo. Everything is white space and I’m just endlessly floating. Please someone end this hellish facade! Nah I’m just playing. I’m actually at Dave & Buster’s.”
Dead Social isn’t the only website to offer ghost-posting services either. One called LivesOn lures potential users with the slogan, “When your heart stops beating, you’ll keep tweeting.”
It’s important to have a sense of humor in the social media end-game world.
Another unseen and potentially annoying aspect of this fad is that people on Facebook can continue to incessantly post their dumb inspirational quotes, baby pictures and pseudo-racist political rants. Just think, young women can endlessly post pictures of themselves posing with one hand on their hip. Why do they do that anyways?
I’m going to set it up so every single day is my kid’s first day of school — for eternity. Take that, Facebook friends. I’ll also probably take 800 or so selfies before death becomes me and then post a couple every week.
Because dying doesn’t mean you have to stop being a pompous ass. S
Jack Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. Connect with him at email@example.com, or on Twitter at @jackgoesforth.