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Punch Drunk: Boxed Liquor is Here to Make Bro-Merica Great Again



Dear fellow sodden, dissolute human, are you looking for an alcohol with elegance, class, refinement and, most important, portability when headed to your next Christmas party? Of course you are. Who isn’t?

Just when you thought transporting mass amounts of liquor from one location to another would never be an easy proposition, Fireball goes and changes the game. I present to you the Fireball Cinnamon Whisky Firebox.

It’s liquor — or in this case it’s a mixture of whiskey, cinnamon flavoring and sweeteners, in a very large box.

I repeat: It’s boxed liquor.

Humans have been searching for a way to transport huge amounts of alcohol without having to use overly cumbersome bottles or the stomach linings of animals since the dawn of time, and now that search has ended.

Imagine two 1.75-liter pouches of cinnamon atomic-fireball-flavored whisky, in a large box, with two individual spigots coming out of different sides. Yes, for the first time ever, not only is there a box with liquor in it, but two people can simultaneously chug out of it.

Well I’ll be damned. Never thought I’d live to see that.

Now the eagle-eyed among you might say that this is a cheap rip-off of the tipsy housewife staple, Franzia wine, and you would be right. But while both products offer convenience and fridge-storage savings, only one gets the party Grand Illumination-lit, and it’s not Franzia — regardless of what my Mom says.

Let’s be honest though, does anyone anywhere really need 78 shots (yes, 78) of flavored whiskey in one container?

The answer is yes. Many people need this. Like bros at tailgates, or bros at parties, or bros at a boat tie-up, or bros just getting together for a game of horseshoes.

Fireball made news in 2014 becauseit contained the food-grade version of propylene glycol, which in a different form is the main ingredient in antifreeze — is promoting its new boxed whiskey on Instagram with the bro-iest lines this bro has ever heard. Like, “Your tailgate party just got real.”

Got real what? Real tacky? Real vomit-inducing? Real-ly dangerous for diabetics?

They also say that by bringing this alcoholic box of hangover, you’ll “Be the MVP your friends need with a Firebox! #Winning.”

Trust me, people who still use stale Charlie Sheen lingo are definitely Fireball’s demographic. I agree though, the player my friends and I need is the guy who will pay as much as $60 for a 3.5-liter box of flavored whiskey.

Fireball’s motto is “Tastes like heaven, burns like hell,” which makes no sense at all, but we’re not here at this bar having a fifth shot of Fireball because of good sense. Fireball’s marketing arm just gets my friends and me.

By now you might think I’m against the Firebox, but that’s not the case at all. I fully support this cardboard vessel of fiery sugar water. In fact, I can think of nothing better to bring to the family Christmas gathering. Tilt that head back, Grandma. Let’s make you forget that you forget things. The Fireball Whisky box is perfect for when you want to kill your relatives … with hot cinnamon goodness.

It also stands to reason that the common Franzia party game called slap the bag, in which a user takes the bag of wine out of box and proceeds to hold it up and chug it while others literally slap the bag, will come into play with this new Firebox. It depresses me that I know of and have played a game called slap the bag with a box of wine.

The problem with stunts like this, and with a giant bag of 66-proof alcohol encased in a cardboard box in general, is that people aren’t used to drinking hard liquor from a simple spigotlike device. They usually drink water from spigots. Franzia, at only 13 percent alcohol by volume, or 26-proof, at least is manageable — that is, it takes a decent amount of it for your body to start rejecting it.

With Fireball, the fear is that dumb people will drink way too much in way too short a time before their body can tell them how stupid they are, and then really bad things will happen. Of course if drinking dangerous amounts of booze in a short period of time is your idea of fun — and if you’re reading this column there’s a good chance that it is — then who am I to stop you?

Just be careful, bro.

Grandma, you ready for round two? Grandma? You awake?

Is Grandma OK? S

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