Halloween is upon us and if you’re like me, you’ve waited until the last minute to even think about costume ideas. Don’t sweat it though. I got you.
I’ve compiled a list of some real Halloween outfits that you can actually purchase and a few do-it-yourself options for those of you who again, like me, see no point in spending money on something that will get worn once and end up crusted with beer, balled up in the depths of your closet.
Sexy Donald Trump: As opposed to normal, grotesque Donald Trump. This is a real outfit that women can buy online. It’s officially called Donna T. Rumpshaker and includes a wig and very short shorts. Hey baby, you just built a wall around my heart.
Sexy Pizza Rat: You may recall about a month ago when a New York subway rat was filmed desperately trying to drag a presumably dropped slice of pizza down some stairs. His struggle and perseverance caught the attention of a nation, or at least the Internet of a nation. Now, also for women, you can dress as a rat with a pizza slice. Not everyone will get what you’re going as, but those that do will definitely say something along the lines of, “Oh, you’re that pizza rat. That’s weird.”
Human Poop Emoji: You may have seen people wearing smiley-face emoji masks, or maybe you’re lucky and haven’t. Well now you can wear a huge replica of the swirly poop emoji on your head. Seriously. I never said that these were good ideas.
Caitlyn Jenner: Yes there’s a Caitlin Jenner outfit based on the stunning white corset dress she wore on the cover of Vanity Fair. Predictably, some people find it offensive and think that it’s somehow anti-LGBT, and maybe it is, but at least it’s not poop.
The Dentist Who Killed Cecil the Lion: We all recall the story of Walter Palmer, the dentist from Minnesota who went on a safari in Zimbabwe and then paid a guide who allegedly lured a lion from its sanctuary so he could kill it. Walter’s life has been a living hell since, because killing lions is not cool, man! Anyways, I’m strongly considering this one. Imagine: a bloody dentist toting around a fake lion’s head. The mass-produced version of the outfit supplies you with a stuffed-animal lion, which I suppose you have to decapitate and cover in fake blood. Hilarious, right? But it seems a little too fake for me. So where I’m going with this is, does anyone have a lion guy? Already dead and beheaded would be preferred. Oh relax, I’m just joking. You probably can’t even buy dead lions in America.
Lamar Odom: Wear an Odom basketball jersey and then just party your freakin’ face off. You were going to party anyways, right? Might as well make your partying current and topical. That’s always been my motto.
The Left Shark: Remember the Super Bowl and Katy Perry and the dancing sharks? You don’t? Come to think of it, I really don’t either. It was this year, apparently.
The Dress: Is it black and blue? Is it white and gold? Be an optical illusion this year! Deceiving people’s eyes is a better option than letting them see the real you, anyways. This also happened this year. Who knew?!
Fetty Wap: Yeah, I have no idea who this is. The kids do though. They love this guy, or girl, or Pokémon character?
Richmond UCI 2015 Road World Champion Peter Sagan: Rainbow jersey, spandex, insert pair of tube socks. Boom! You’re a world champion.
Former Senator from Virginia and Former Presidential Candidate Jim Webb: I wouldn’t bother. You’ll be invisible all night.
Large Human Squirrel Hybrid with a Penchant for Nutz: Are you en route to a furry fandom convention? Are you the mascot for a local minor league baseball team? Leave everyone at the bar guessing! (Then attend the furry convention.)
Whatever you decide, don’t be the person who puts in no effort whatsoever. You know, that lame friend who wears normal clothes to the bar on Halloween. That guy or girl sucks.
Half-ass it, at least. A former pro athlete turned reality-television star with a penchant for drugs and hookers or a famous Internet rat is a step in the right direction.
That’s my other motto. S
Jack Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. Connect with him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter at @jackgoesforth.