News & Features » Miscellany

Part 3

Apocalypse Survival Guide

Career Aptitude Test
You were a lawyer, a stock broker, maybe a city councilman. Sorry, pal. Your services are no longer needed in the next millennium. But the talents you possess surely will come in handy as you carve out a new career for a new age. Take this brief true-false quiz to find out where you'll fit in to post-apocalyptic society.

1. I am good with numbers.
2. I have the ability to sell people things they don't really need.
3. I am organized and detail-oriented.
4. I am a successful multitasker.
5. When confronted with conflict, I face it head-on, rationally and with a cool head.
6. I have access to many roots and berries.
7. I do not anger easily.
8. I communicate well with co-workers.
9. I know many herbal remedies for head gashes and viral infections.
10. I keep a neat and tidy cubicle.
11. I am willing to sell sexual favors for money, goods, shelter or a spot close to the fire pit.
12. I believe the key to good management is unleashing the potential of those who work for you.
13. I know the Bible by heart and can recite it loudly while standing on a crate.
14. I dress appropriately and am professional in all my dealings.
15. When I tell a story, people often sit at rapt attention long after the fire has died out and the rabbit's been picked clean off the spit.
16. I am highly computer-literate and am eager to keep up with new technology.
17. I can write and have my own supply of charcoal and squirrel hides.
18. In my job, I enjoy dealing with the public.
19. When asking for money or goods from a stranger, I often throw in a cryptic profundity.
20. I share pertinent information with co-workers in a timely fashion.
21. I see the future.
22. I am a highly motivated self-starter.
23. I can track and kill any man who steals from the village.

Analyizing Your Results:

If you answered true to numbers 2, 8, 11, 18 and 22 your skills of self-sufficiency, high-motivation and flexible morals best suit you for a career in prostitution.

If you answered true to numbers 2, 5, 13, 14 and 18 you are a good communicator who is self-motivated and dogmatic. You will be a preacher in the new millennium.

If you answered true to numbers 1, 3, 4, 6, 9 and 16 you are intelligent, detail-oriented and the closest thing to a doctor the village will have. You will be the medicine man.

If you answered true to numbers 2, 18 and 19 you are a born seller. You are best suited to become the village's resident mystic beggar.

If you answered true to number 21 you are a freak of nature. You will be the village prophet.

If you answered true to numbers 4, 22, and 23 you are able to handle many assignments at once and are a danger to society. You are best suited to become a post-apocalyptic vigilante.

If you answered true to numbers 8, 15, and 18 you are a strong communicator who can help the villagers while away useless hours. You will be its story teller/oral historian.

If you answered true to numbers 3, 8, 10 and 17 you are organized and literate. You, as the village scribe, will be in charge of writing things down.

If you answered true to none of the above questions, you will be the village gym teacher.

Are You the Chosen One?

Every New Age must have its hero to lead the people out of their tortured darkness. Could it be you? Take this simple quiz.

1. I turn the other cheek before detonating a 15 megaton nuclear device at the base of my enemy's lair.

2. I have traveled back (or forward) in time.

3. I bear a birthmark in the shape of an ancient symbol found on the Rosetta Stone, Dead Sea Scrolls and the cover of Led Zeppelin IV.

4. I am already part machine.

If you answered true to at least three of these statements, tear your clothes into rags immediately and start running due north.

That Was Then ... This Is Now
After the great apocalypse, the things we once took for granted will be gone. How will they be replaced?

Old AgeNew Age

Jump to Part 1, 2, 3

Add a comment