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Part 2

Apocalypse Survival Guide

That's Good Eatin'!
When forced to choose a family member to tie to the spit, separate fact from fiction to make the best possible decision.

Fiction: The oldest/sickest/most annoying/least useful member of the family should be chosen/offer himself or herself for the common good.

Fact: Such relatives rarely possess the body mass needed to provide much sustenance to the family, and instead should be kept as bait for trapping the more-nourishing wild dogs (be careful — they're thriving for a reason!) and manhunters of other clans (who may be consumed without guilt). But if necessary eat the female with the highest fat-to-body-weight ratio.

Fiction: When broaching the subject of family cannibalism, it is best to gather everyone around the fire to achieve "consensus" about which member will sacrifice himself or herself, and to work through the "issues" (fear, anger, guilt, etc.) such a decision inevitably produces.

Fact: The female with the highest fat-to-body-weight ratio should meet with an unfortunate "accident," such as being struck by a piece of "falling" rubble.

Fiction: It is "wrong" to eat a member of one's family, even one who has been felled by rubble or other causes, and the family should agree to starve rather than to nibble one another's remains.

Fact: Someone will be lying when they say they agree to this, and you should eat them before they eat you! (The liar is most likely to be the female with the highest fat-to-body-weight ratio.)

Fiction: Cook your relative thoroughly to prevent illness and to produce the illusion you are not eating your relative but, in fact, a nice juicy steak like in the good old Lost Times.

Fact: As you know, cooking wastes valuable food. Instead (as dimly recalled from a Stephen King story), dose yourself heavily with ceremonial hallucinogenic and keep repeating "cold roast beef cold roast beef cold roast beef."

Let's Play:
Pinch the Rat!


Here's a game that's fun for the whole family! It'll improve your youngsters' hand-eye coordination — essential when they have to start catching their own food — and will help tenderize your ultimate meal itself!

Here's how to play:

1. Catch rat.

2. Put rat in enclosed area (such as large box or small cooking pit around which your family can comfortably kneel).

3. Take turns trying to pinch rat without being bitten. (Each player scores one point for pinching rat. Add one point if rat squeals. Deduct one point for bite.)

4. In case of tie, first player to tie rat's tail in a knot wins, regardless of bites.

Looting Made Easy


Dress for success. Forget the baggy gear — black, skintight duds are in during looting season.

Beat the rush. Remember, most looters don't get out of bed before noon.

If it's small and shiny, grab it! The first mistake of the novice looter is to go for the big, impressive items — TVs, stereos, etc. Don't wear yourself out. Why wrangle with a completely useless 32-inch TV when a 2-carat diamond is a timeless commodity worth 10 times as much? And realistically, how many Home Theater Systems can one person carry? Better to line your pockets with gold and jewels ASAP — before all the good stuff is gone.

Follow the mob. This is one time it pays to get lost in the crowd.

Start looting now. Why wait for Armageddon to fill your satchel with goodies? Plus, with practice, you could be the Deion Sanders of the crash-and-dash come game time. Just remember — green light, go; blue lights, run like hell.

Look to the Master. History is filled with legendary thieves, but one name stands tall above the rest — the Grinch. That's right, the little green man with the master plan stole a whole Christmas right out from under sleeping Who noses. Watch and learn.

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