1. Stand tall and try not to look sullen or angry. Smile.
2. Never wave your money in the air.
3. Never call the bartender by "Hey chief," or "Hey guy." In fact, don't even open your mouth.
4. If it's busy, find a spot at the bar and attempt to make eye contact. If the bartender is worth his salt, he'll acknowledge you.
5. Patience is key. The world won't end if you have to wait an extra minute for your disgusting rail tequila and ginger ale.
6. Say your order clearly and have your money or credit card out and ready. Know whether or not you want to start a tab and make that clear from the get-go. It's all about efficiency.
7. If ordering for two or more, do not ever — ever — turn around to ask what they want. Have the order ready to fire when called upon.
8. If ordering beers and shots, order all at once. Don't wait for the bartender to come back to add onto the order.
9. You're here to have fun and get tipsy, and I'm here to facilitate that process. We're a team, you and me. So just don't be an asshole, "chief." — Jack Lauterback
*Women: Just let the man get it for you and make him pay. Men at bars are sheep.