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Around the House: Promises, Promises

The arc of a covenant has no end.

Dear Mr. Jones,

Recently the members of your Neighborhood Association Architectural Review Team (NAART) conducted a community walk-through. Unfortunately, we found you in violation of the neighborhood covenant; specifically lawn overgrown, weeds in "mulched" area. Please be advised that you have 30 calendar days to rectify the issue cited or face action by the Board.


Bunny Noonan

Chair, Your NAART

Dear Bunny,

Recently I conducted a walk through the Constitution of the United States of America, where I found a certain amendment that said, private property is my God-given right as an American. I did not, in my walk through the Constitution, encounter any mention of NAART or a covenant. So keep your NAARTs off my property, or you'll have a little problem of your own to "rectify," if you catch my drift.

With all due respect,

Patrick Henry Jones Jr.

Mr. Jones,

We needn't remind you that when you moved into Charter Crown Hampstead Park, you signed an agreement to comply with the neighborhood covenant, which protects our property values, our quality of life and a spirit of good neighborliness. Please honor your commitment within seven (7) days, or we will be forced to take action.




Dear FAART (guess what the "F" stands for),

I am writing to notify you that this morning I had a load of horse manure delivered and spread on my "mulched" area. Then I tossed your letter on top, and guess what — it disappeared! You probably already knew about the fertilizer, though, since half your committee lives downwind of me. How's your "quality of life" now?

Your neighbor,

P.H. Jones Jr.

P.S. Bunny, I'll bet it kills you that the computer won't dot your i's with a heart, doesn't it?

cc: 12 on Your Side

Dear Mr. Jones,

Please comply with our requests or a lien will be placed on your house. Mr. Jones, the spouse of a NAART member living near you is severely allergic to farm animal by-products and today was rushed to the hospital for an emergency exfoliation. We must insist that you have the manure removed. While you're at it, if you'd just make the smallest effort to weed the garden and cut the grass, this whole thing can go away. Really, can't we all just get along?


Bunny, Your NAART

Dear Yard NAARTzis,

No, we cannot get along. FYI: I've had the horse manure removed and replaced it at 90 cents on the dollar with a load of cow manure. I also am flying Old Glory from a new flagpole in my front yard; I released a pair of beavers into the lake this morning; I've let my dog out unleashed and unbagged; I am raising chickens in my back yard next to the new metal swing set; I've purchased an old RV, which is now parked out back; and I plan to build a deck on my house using only scrap lumber.


P.H. Jones Jr.

cc: Joe Morrissey

Mr. Jones,

I am counsel to the CCHP Neighborhood Association Board. I regret to inform you that until such point that CCHP NAART grievances have been addressed, you and your family are barred from using any CCHP facilities.


Joe Morrissey

Dear Mr. Morrissey,

I recently bought and moved in to the Joneses' home. I will gladly take sharp clippers to the weeds and cut the grass. I am pleased to be living in a neighborhood that cares so much about appearances and maintaining our property values. I plan to stay here a long time.


O.J. Simpson


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