Humor: The Literal TV Guide

Just the facts please, whoever writes these things.


A group of three amateur surfers must learn American history in order to party at the prom from the action blockbuster, "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
  • A group of three amateur surfers must learn American history in order to party at the prom from the action blockbuster, "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."

Ever wish that your cable info guide would just get to the point?

There’s always going to be mistakes sure, but all we need are the basics, people. It’s not hard. The golden rule here is simplicity. Props to TCM writer Rick Polito for leading the way with his viral “Wizard of Oz” preview years ago.

It made us think of a few other descriptions for movies currently running on cable.

“Vacation” (Crime)

Suburban family murders a dog by tying it to their station wagon bumper then takes a security guard hostage at a theme park.


A researcher played by Jodie Foster intercepts an outer space transmission from Hitler who tells her to build a large transportation pod to rid the world of Matthew McConaughey’s southern accent. The plan hits a setback after Gary Busey’s son blows himself up to impress Foster.

“Fast Times at Ridgemont High”(Action)

A small-time fast food manager is caught masturbating at his high school sister’s pool party and, after driving his sister to an abortion clinic, is nearly killed in a convenient mart hold-up.

“Aliens” (Comedy)

Popular sci-fi sequel about a precocious little girl named Newt who teaches a ragtag squad of space marines how to handle a large rodent infestation. Hilarity ensues.

“Xanadu” (Musical)

Touching ‘80s musical about a failed muralist kissed by a flaming rollerskater who then suffers from hallucinations as his life spins out of control.

“Sixteen Candles” (Thriller)

A maturing teenager (Molly Ringwald) is harassed by an Asian exchange student then lashes out, attempting to woo a jock named Jake who once sexually harassed her grandmother.

“Breakfast Club” (Action)

A group of high school kids in detention torture the school geek then smoke pot and ransack the school library.

“Rocky III” (Romance)

In an attempt to win the love of Talia Shire, Mr. T knocks the stuffing out of the Italian Stallion, played by Frank Stallone. Burgess Meredith co-stars as an elderly poet named Ammon who presents a riddle to Mr. T.

“One-Hour Photo” (Documentary)

A revealing look at the common practice of Walmart employees copying family photos and worshipping them in weird home sex cults. Robin Williams narrates.

“Drive” (Mystery)

Ryan Gosling’s big break as a mentally challenged stunt driver who thinks he is a member of German hair metal group, the Scorpions. Falls in love with his married neighbor only to lose her after a bizarre elevator accident.

“The Shining” (Comedy)

A struggling author and caretaker at a mountain resort is hounded by his wife and schizophrenic child, eventually choosing to freeze to death in a garden maze.

“The Karate Kid”(Drama)

A wise-cracking janitor played by Pat Morita (Happy Days) cons young Ralph Macchio into a life of manual labor by pretending to teach him martial arts.

“Bad Santa”(Documentary)

Moving portrait of an alcoholic mall Santa shot by California police after attempting to help an abandoned child.

“Straight Outta Compton” (Biography)

The rags-to-riches tale of how rapper Dr. Dre founded his lucrative Beats headphone company after physically assaulting numerous women.

“Pretty in Pink” (Drama)

Jon Cryer plays a delusional stalker named Duckie obsessed with waging class warfare against the one percent. After his fixation (Ringwald) leaves him for a girlish preppie, he seeks advice from Andrew Dice Clay, playing himself. Guest starring Harry Dean Stanton as a kitchen-bound heroin junkie.

“Return of the Living Dead”(Comedy)

A group of Hot Topic punks party naked in a cemetery after learning the world is coming to an end. Notable soundtrack features the Cramps, Roky Ercikson, TSOL and The Damned performing the songs of Burl Ives.

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