Opinion & Blogs » Punch Drunk

Punch Drunk

Jack's 2014 Prospectus

by

comment

It's time for my sweeping and bold predictions for the new year. In light of this week's issue of Style Weekly, I'm also going to score each one. But ignore that, because the numbers mean absolutely nothing. Unless you want them to.

Shockoe Stadium Strategy Scuttled: As much as I personally would like to see a new minor league baseball stadium downtown, a feeling that the Richmond Flying Squirrels seem to share, I predict this thing never gets off the ground. Two City Council members already have said no to the proposal, in essence, and the other seven are cautious to the point of inertia. I understand that this is a big undertaking of which every fiber, every inane, detailed minutia must be scrutinized. There can be no other way. My problem is the lack of enthusiasm and the openly cynical eye that the council appears to bring to this thing. It's depressing and harmful to the prospect of lift off. It's no good — all of this dicking around and inaction, and it eventually could lose the Squirrels to a city that has its act together, which would be heartbreaking, and I say that with zero hint of sarcasm. -479

Beers on Captain Buzzy! I don't have 8,000 words to explain the Cap'n Buzzy-Church Hill imbroglio that's ripping apart a neighborhood. Just Google "Captain Buzzy" and click the news button. I will say that it's trivial and childish and supremely entertaining. I predict that Captain Buzzy's enemies will get their comeuppance. Just let Captain Buzzy live, man! +47

Winter Is Coming: And it will be cold and it will be gray and it will last you for the rest of your life. But seriously guys, the Farmer's Almanac wouldn't lie — we're going to freeze our nips off this winter. So go buy your own cow and get about a metric ton of bread, then immediately begin breaking down furniture to prepare for the great fire. Also, bring up multiple barrels of ale from the cellar for Lord Tyrion. He likes to drink in the evenings. -281

Uranium Mining Ban Lifted: Governor-elect Terry McAuliffe, despite promising to veto any bill that would lift the 1982 Virginia uranium mining ban, will pull a flip-flop and cave to the well-heeled uranium mining lobby. He wants that sweet, sweet yellowcake money — Virginia's drinking water be damned! Like they say, moneyed Beltway insiders only party with the purest enriched uranium — straight from the source. None of that stepped-on, baby-laxative-laced, depleted Kazakhstan junk. -100

We're Thirsty, Gentlemen: The much-hyped, long-awaited Rogue Gentleman bar finally will open in Jackson Ward. Shots of Fernet Branca for us all! Oh you aren't familiar with Fernet? Don't worry, owner and chef Johnny is a self-appointed Fernet brand ambassador and he would love to tell you why you aren't cool enough to drink it. +39

Cuccinelli Beats the Count: Down after his loss to Terry McAuliffe and out of the attorney general job, the Cooch will rise again. He's like those pesky granules of sand you get in your butt crack at the beach. You know? Sort of feels like sandpaper sodomy back there? Yeah, he's like that. There's no way he's going to silently slip off into the private sector. -12

Richmond Becomes the Cool, Tough Kid at the Back of the Bus: A spate of national media attention from Frommers, the Huffington Post and The New York Times (among others) will all of sudden turn the little Civil War history stop of Richmond, Va., into a very vogue destination. We're going to be like Portland a few years ago or Austin before that. I mean, we as Richmonders already know how edgy and hip and underground cool we are, but tourists are just starting to realize it. And what do tourists have? That's right, money they wish to part with. Let's smile in their faces while we pick their pockets clean. +129

Baby Cheetahs Hit Their Terrible Twos and Melt Area Man's Heart: The Richmond Metro Zoo's baby cheetahs stay freakin' adorable. You can take that to the bank. It's a stone-cold, lead-pipe lock. +658

Final tally: +1

Thanks to the strong baby cheetah finish. I think it's safe to say that 2014 is looking bright for Richmond.

Now commence with using this issue to line the cat's litter box or to wrap up whatever little trinket you got your mistress for Christmas or as kindling to start a fire to burn down your restaurant for insurance money, you crazy kids.

Happy holidays.

Add a comment