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Punch Drunk

In which Jack demands satisfaction for his personal grievances.


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Two weeks ago a rather portly fellow by the name of Matthew Thompson filed a lawsuit in Peoria, Ill., against Derrick Rose — superstar guard for the Chicago Bulls.

Rose tore a knee ligament at the end of 2011 and has yet to return to the court. His extended absence from the team, Thompson alleges, has led to him suffering multiple mental breakdowns and much emotional distress, the combination of which caused him to gain a great deal of weight during the course of the Chicago Bulls' Roseless and somewhat disappointing season. Thompson claims that his mental and in turn, physical health has been directly affected by what he's calling Rose's "negligent behavior" during the course of his rehab. He's seeking undisclosed damages.

Your immediate, knee-jerk reaction is to say that this guy is a fat flippin' jackass. Jackie Chiles might call this lawsuit outrageous, egregious, preposterous! The rational few left amongst the American public will show contempt and give sweeping generalizations such as "This is what society has come to," a look of disgust on their faces while they flippantly wave their hands. Eventually a judge well-versed in civil law and short on patience will almost assuredly throw this case out. Matthew Thompson will be laughed at and forgotten, going down as a minor footnote in the annals of demented sports fanatics.

And you know what? I think that's a damn shame. Thompson, the longsuffering, rotund, arterial-clogged Chicago Bulls fan, deserves his day in court. The trauma he's suffered via prima donna Derrick Rose's casual and frankly irresponsible approach to rehabbing his left knee is directly responsible for Mr. Thompson becoming the huge piece of goo that he is.

This case got me thinking of the many grievances I have suffered through the years. Wrongs that have never been righted, slights left unresolved that have adversely affected my mental and physical health.

The following is a list of people and institutions that soon will receive a summons prepared by my lawyer, a certain Harold J. Goldenstein Esq.

• All of my ex-girlfriends for causing me considerable mental anguish with their nagging and their petty disputes, both of which have driven me to drink heavily on a consistent basis to this very day, which has had far-reaching and dire consequences on pretty much every facet of my life.

• Every bar patron I've served since 2007 whose incessant drunkenness and general shenanigans every weekend continue to tick minutes off of my life. When the casket shuts and they lower me 6 feet under sometime in the next few years, I'll be content knowing that I never have to clean up their messes or make another pineapple-upside-down-cake shooter for these assholes again. But until then, I demand restitution! Or you can just tip 25 percent or better. That works too.

• The makers of the prescription amphetamine Adderall, a drug to which my crippling addiction has rendered me sharp as a whip, remarkably lean, efficient and pistonlike in my day-to-day productivity. I'm a helpless drug addict and someone must pay!

• R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. for the invisible damage I do every time I light up a Camel. I haven't personally seen any smoking-related ill effects yet, but I'm just covering my bases.

• Tony Romo.

•Ken Cuccinelli. Now I'm not gay or a woman — both of these parties actually have real reasons to bring litigation against the man — but I'm sure that if he gets elected governor, the Cooch will cause the great commonwealth of Virginia and me a great deal of distress (and embarrassment) with his far-right, God-fearing B.S. He gets to sue everybody for dumb, asinine reasons, right? So let's pull the ol' switcheroo on him.

• Truthers, all of them: 9/11, Sandy Hook, Boston bombing, etc. Because screw those idiots.

• Everyone who drives the speed limit in the left lane, talks loudly on their cell phone in public with no regard for their surroundings, isn't prepared when it's their turn at the bank or fast-food drive-through or people who let their kids act like animals in restaurants. Because screw those idiots.

These are just quick snapshots, a fraction of many who have caused me pain, and I will continue to work with Mr. Goldenstein Esq. to pursue the negligent scofflaws who have evaded justice and caused me suffering.

Now in the case of Thompson and his lawsuit against Derrick Rose — as ill-considered and petty as it may seem — it's within his rights to attempt it, because this is America.

We can do a lot of dumb stuff here.


Connect with Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback at bartender@styleweekly.com. Lauterback also is co-host of 103.7-FM's "River Mornings with Melissa and Jack," weekdays from 6-9 a.m. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.


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