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Punch Drunk

This week: The Thirsty Thousand

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As you all know, this publication routinely puts out lists cataloging our fine city's power people. A few that come to mind are the Top 40 Under 40, Sweet 16 Under 16, Fantastic 4 Under 4, the Nasty 90 over 90 (my grandpa was No. 81), etc.

These special issues seem to draw the most readers and attention because — let's face it — we all like lists and pretty pictures, and cover stories on our local school systems are boring. So in a thinly veiled attempt to keep your attention focused on something for more than a paragraph, I've compiled a list of Richmond's most influential bar and restaurant people.

Seeing as how we're a town full of foodies who [excrement deleted] their pants every time a new Subway franchise opens, my list will henceforth be the ultimate barometer of power and influence in Richmond.

I introduce the Thirsty Thousand.

Because Style Weekly can only pay me for 400 words every two weeks, I have room for only a few winners and their corresponding rankings below. (The full list will be a 208-page insert in next week's issue.)

998. Virginia Alcohol Beverage Control: Gave them a pity spot right ahead of Creigh Deeds and salmonella.

879. Lucas (last name unknown): Met this guy at Nations last Thursday. He grabbed my ass. Wait, is Nations a gay bar?

178. Joe Smith (Pseudonym): Dishwasher. I once smoked a bowl with Joe. He seemed pretty cool. Owner of many exquisite prison tats.

108. Kat Price: Bartender, New York Deli. Karaoke semipro. She also grabbed my ass once. As you can tell, grabassing was a major factor in this year's balloting.

76. Otto: Bartender, Banditos. His name is a palindrome. 'Nuff said.

51. Jeff Kelley: Blogger, Tobacco Avenue. Likes being on lists. Saw him grace LuLu's with his presence a few months ago. His blog is so popular that I think even the crazies out in Mechanicsville read it. I wouldn't know for sure though, because there's no freaking way I'm going near Mechanicsville.

24. Max Power: Owner of ummm, Mezzanine, Mamma Zu's, a couple of McDonald's, maybe Edo Squid, and Ruth's Chris and probably owns Can Can, I think. This guy is powerful in Richmond, super powerful.

17. Wells Anderson: Bartender, Cha Chas. Totally coolest bro I have, like, you don't even know man.

9. Ed (last name unknown): Bartender, Popkin's Tavern. Jumped 834 spots on the list after he tipped me $50 last night. Was also featured in “River City Mag” as one of Richmond's best bartenders, which begs the question: What the hell is “River City Mag”?

4. Mayor Dwight Jones: I needed him in the top five to give this list some sort of validity. I also grabbed his ass a few weeks ago.

Be sure to check newsstands in December for Style's annual “Top 25 Ukrop's in Richmond” issue and the very popular “Top Streets in the Fan That People Mention When People Say, “I Once Lived On ...” issue. (Last year's No. 1 was Stuart Avenue, where I once lived, right next to Buddy's, in fact. Man, I loved that place. I can't wait for that special issue.)

Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback consumes and slings drinks at a number of local establishments. He also writes a surly blog at www.jackgoesforth.blogspot.com. Find him on Twitter @jackgoesforth. Have a question or comment for the bartender? E-mail: bartender@styleweekly.com.

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