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Ducking the Issues

Do the Richmond Braves have a politician in their midst?

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Style: In the history of Richmond politics, the city has never elected a duck to office. Why do you think you can break through such a barrier?



Duck: Obviously the elephants and donkeys haven't been doing such a good job. It's time for a new political animal to take center stage. The Diamond Duck!



What would be the top three priorities of your administration?



1) Creation of a Diamond Duck statue on Monument Avenue; 2) Duck-crossing zones on every road adjacent to the James River and on the Boulevard; 3) Eradication of the designated-hitter rule.



If you become mayor, there may be concerns that you would unfairly pursue the agenda of the duck special interest. Will you guarantee that you will fairly represent all our citizens?



Definitely. Although I may look a little different from the average Richmonder, I am just like all the rest: I love the "rivah." I always show up 20 minutes late for anything. I absolutely abhor the traffic on 64-East in the morning. I am a duck for all the people.



Do you have a campaign slogan?



I'm still tossing around a few ideas. … "The Duck Stops Here" seems to be the most popular with "my people" right now, although "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be Richmond's Mayor," is gaining ground.



Our current mayor, Rudy McCollum, recently proposed eliminating the televising of City Council meetings — an idea that was rejected. What are your thoughts on the issue?



I would like to see baseball-themed issues incorporated into the meetings. For example, wouldn't it be great if I could lead the council in a rendition of "YMCA" each meeting? That would make for great TV!



Several city officials have suggested that Richmond build a new baseball stadium close to the river. Are you in favor of such a project?



I would defer to the community although I have several relatives who would love to "park" on the James and watch my hi-jinx at the new ball field.



Richmond's City Council members have traditionally been a … let's say, lively group. What would you do to keep meetings under control?



Have you ever been bitten by a duck with an absurdly large bill like mine? It doesn't feel too good.



Many of the city's homeowners have been upset with the recent jump in real-estate assessments. Where do you stand on the issue of real-estate taxes?



You're talking to a duck. I own a #0 Richmond Braves jersey, pants, and a cowboy hat. Seriously, I've been freeloading at The Diamond my entire life. I'd have to listen to my constituents.



Obviously, the river is important to you. Will you do anything to attract more people to the Canal Walk?



A mural of me. I think the children would love it!



Are there any misconceptions about you that you'd like to clear up for the electorate?



Yes. I had absolutely nothing to do with that lame movie "Howard the Duck."



Finally, will you pledge to not engage in negative campaigning?



I raise my webbed right hand and pledge. S





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