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The Score

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Chesterfield Edition: Written Entirely in English

+8Official Language: English. Kelly Miller, chairman of the Chesterfield County Board of Supervisors, has reminded all of us how many problems could be solved by simply making English the official language of the county. ­Gracias, Kelly! Language to be enforced by Media Watchdog Greg Pearson of the Chesterfield Observer, a fine, fine newspaper written in English.

+3Official Hot Drink: Tea with lemon. To shake off any unfair backwoods stereotypes and help show off our class. Plus, it will underscore our heritage with Philip Stanhope, the late British secretary of state and Fourth Earl of Chesterfield, for whom the county is named. The lemon reminds us all how good we are at puckering.

+4Official Road: Route 288. It allows us to bypass everybody.

+7Official Currency: Smart Tag. Everyone has one, and what better way to painlessly extract the money we need from residents to cover the increasing costs of illegal aliens? Plus, we can use the Smart Tag to track the whereabouts of illegal aliens. And Ed Barber.

+6Official Church:The Richmond Christian Center. Present it a plaque during Black History Month, which we already support. Doing so will divert attention from the way we successfully blocked the church from buying Cloverleaf when no one else was interested. Then let the media try to call us bullies. Extra points for racial tolerance to offset the county's official Confederate History Month.

+7Official NASCAR Driver: Denny Hamlin. OK, this sends mixed signals, we know. But it is his hometown.



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